Why Do People Have Affairs? 10 Insights into Infidelity

Why do so many people have affairs?

They don’t always begin with sex or excitement.

Infidelity is a complex, often misunderstood aspect of human relationships, stretching back as far as recorded history.

A Childhood Memory of the Emotional Fallout

One of my earliest childhood memories involves witnessing the chaos it can cause: two women, mothers of children I knew, arguing intensely at the entrance of a South London underground station on a busy Saturday morning. Their dispute, allegedly over a man who wasn’t there, his absence as palpable as their distress.

Infidelity is an emotional triangle where one person is always absent, yet profoundly influences everything.

This incident, magnified by whispers and speculations, underscored the age-old impact of affairs on relationships and personal well-being. At ten years old, I was too young to grasp all the nuances of their conflict, but the emotions were unmistakable: the pain was visible, the confusion palpable, and the anger intense.

I found myself both captivated and terrified by the intensity of it all. It left a lasting impression.

The Age-Old Phenomenon of Affairs Infidelity Is a Timeless Human Experience

Affairs are not merely a product of contemporary society but a recurring theme throughout human history. They are documented in historical records and literary works from every era, illustrating the timeless and universal nature of infidelity.

From the tragic love stories in Graham Greene’s The End of the Affair (1939) to the passionate betrayals in Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina (1878) and even the biblical story of David and Bathsheba (c. 1005–965 BCE), these narratives reveal the profound impact of infidelity on personal lives and societal structures.

Greek mythology offers further insights. Gods like Zeus are notorious for their romantic escapades involving mortals and other deities, reflecting the complexities of human desires and moral dilemmas.

These stories resonate because they mirror the intricate emotional landscapes we navigate in our own relationships today.

Societal Views on Women and Infidelity

That incident at the tube station might have led me to believe that only women are hurt by an affair. Yet, the truth is more nuanced. Women, just like men, are complex beings capable of both feeling pain and causing it. Our society, however, often holds a double standard when it comes to infidelity.

Women who stray from their marital commitments frequently face harsher judgment compared to their male counterparts, reflecting deep-seated societal biases and expectations about fidelity and gender roles.

Notably, research indicates that marriages are more likely to break down if a woman in a heterosexual relationship has had an affair compared to when a man has. This suggests that men may be less forgiving than women when it comes to dealing with infidelity. [1]

Understanding the Complexity of Affairs

With this in mind, it’s perhaps unsurprising that research indicates men are more likely to engage in affairs than women. Studies in the UK show that about 20% of men and 13% of women report having sexual relations with someone other than their spouse while married. [2]

These figures only begin to uncover the complexity, as emotional affairs and non-sexual but romantically charged relationships also play significant roles in relationship dynamics. Additionally, the data often excludes same-sex relationships, highlighting a gap in our understanding of infidelity across different types of partnerships.

Why Do People Have Affairs?

People engage in affairs for many reasons, each as unique as the individuals involved.

Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist, has explored the complex reasons why people have affairs in her work, particularly in her book ‘The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.’ According to Perel, infidelity is not just about sex but often about desire and longing for a connection or an aspect of oneself that has been lost or neglected.

10 Reasons Why People Have Affairs

Here are some common reasons why people have affairs:

1. Seeking emotional connection:

Often, individuals feel unhappy and emotionally neglected in their primary relationships and seek affection elsewhere. This lack of emotional intimacy can drive one to find solace in the arms of another.

2. The desire for sexual variety and expression:

The human craving for novelty can push individuals to seek new sexual experiences outside their primary relationships, sometimes as a quest for self-discovery or personal fulfilment.

3. Opportunity and circumstance:

Affairs sometimes happen simply because the opportunity presents itself. This could be in a work environment or social setting where people spend significant time together, creating a context in which emotional bonds can form and lead to physical intimacy.

4. Revenge or retaliation:

Hurt feelings or unresolved conflicts can lead one partner to engage in an affair as a form of retaliation, using infidelity as a weapon to express pain or anger towards their partner.

5. Self-esteem and validation:

Feeling undervalued or unappreciated in a relationship can lead some to seek validation through an affair, where the attention and admiration of a new partner may boost their self-esteem and sense of worth.

6. Rediscovering the Self and Soul longing:

For some, an affair is a journey toward rediscovering parts of themselves that they feel have been lost or suppressed. It can be a way to address unresolved personal issues or explore aspects of their identity that they feel are unfulfilled.

7. Unconsciously acting out intergenerational patterns:

Another key point is that individuals can repeat behaviours observed within their family, unconsciously replicating relationship dynamics from previous generations.

This might manifest as a pattern of infidelity that echoes past relational dynamics witnessed in childhood or described in family stories. Similarly, it might not be an affair being replicated but rather the drama or a feeling of guilt associated with those past dynamics.

8. Conflict avoidance:

Sometimes, instead of openly expressing their desire to leave a relationship, an individual might choose actions over words to convey their intentions. The affair partner often serves as a transition partner, leaving their spouse in the uncomfortable position of having to initiate the actual ending of the relationship.

A pattern of avoiding conflict throughout the relationship often means couples do not honestly discuss their needs, wants, and desires with each other, leading them to seek fulfilment elsewhere and with other people.

9. Escape from reality:

Affairs can offer a temporary escape from the stresses and responsibilities of daily life. They can create a fantasy space where individuals feel free from the burdens of reality.

10. Unmet needs:

When certain needs, whether emotional, physical, or intellectual, are not met in a primary relationship, individuals might look outside for fulfilment.

What I See in Couples Therapy

As a couples counsellor, I meet people on both sides of infidelity, those who feel devastated by betrayal and those who are sometimes shocked by the choices they’ve made.

In many cases, the person who has had the affair isn’t running toward passion or excitement; they’re reacting to something they haven’t been able or willing to name in themselves or in the relationship. That internal search might make sense, but its impact is still real and painful.

An affair forces both partners to confront not only what happened, but what it reveals about the relationship, about personal needs, and about the next step.

An Affair Is Still a Choice

Choosing to have an affair is a decision, but understanding the reasons behind it can empower you to forge stronger, more resilient relationships. Although it may not be apparent initially, an affair partner might actually expose you to similar relationship patterns that you were hoping to avoid or escape.

Healing from an affair requires considerable courage and insight into the dynamics that led to it. Understanding the behaviour is one thing. Knowing whether recovery is possible is another.

For those dealing with the aftermath, seeking professional guidance from counsellors or therapists can provide crucial support for healing and rebuilding trust. 

Are You At Risk of an Emotional Affair?

Emotional affairs can cause just as much pain as those involving sexual intimacy. Many emotional affairs begin without sexual contact at all. 

Often, by the time we recognise what’s happening, the emotional bond with an affair partner may already be well established.

Download the Relationship Satisfaction Check-In to explore whether any unmet needs in your relationship could be making it more vulnerable to an emotional affair.

Over To You

If You’re Not Ready to Decide Yet

After an affair, emotional or physical, many couples find themselves unsure whether to rebuild, step back, or bring the relationship to an end. What matters most at this stage is not making a quick decision, but making a considered one.

Discernment Counselling is one recognised, short-term approach for couples who want to understand what the affair has brought into focus and what may be possible next.

In my work, I support individuals and couples more broadly at relationship crossroads, using time-limited, contained approaches to help create clarity and steadiness before any decision is made.

If you’d like to explore what kind of support might be most appropriate for your situation, you’re welcome to get in touch for an initial conversation. 

Clarity itself is part of the commitment. It allows you to make decisions that are grounded, fair, and aligned with your values, whichever direction you choose.

P.S. Pass It On

Have you enjoyed this post? Use the icons below to tweet, share on Facebook, and email them to specific friends. Join my email list for regular insights and tips on cultivating conscious relationships.

© Sandra Harewood 2025

About Sandra Harewood

Sandra Harewood is a registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, Couples Counsellor and Jungian Coach. Sandra is a specialist in working with women and couples facing crisis or at a crossroads in their marriage. Over the last 15+ years, Sandra has helped 100’s of women and couples transform their lives and relationships. She has a private counselling and life-coaching practice in Pimlico and Bromley, South London. Sandra is passionate about helping couples create conscious relationships and put the soul back into their lives.