When one of you is considering leaving — and the other wants to save the relationship.
You may have reached a point in your marriage where continuing as you are no longer feels possible.
One of you may be questioning whether the relationship can — or should — continue. The other may still want to repair it and feel frightened that the decision to separate is being made too quickly.
When you are in very different places, conventional couples counselling can be difficult. One person may be trying to repair the relationship while the other is still trying to decide whether they want it.
Discernment Counselling offers a different starting point.
It is a short, focused process for couples on the brink of separation or divorce who need greater clarity about what has happened in their relationship and what they want to do next.
The aim is not to save your marriage at all costs.
Nor is it to help you leave.
It is to help you reach a more considered decision about the direction of your relationship with greater clarity, understanding and confidence.
When You Are No Longer Asking the Same Question
Couples counselling usually begins with a shared intention:
How can we make our relationship better?
Discernment Counselling begins somewhere different.
One partner may be asking:
Is there still enough here for me to want to try?
while the other is asking:
How can I save our marriage?
Trying to undertake ordinary couples therapy from these two very different positions can leave both partners frustrated.
The partner considering leaving may feel pressured to repair a relationship they have not yet chosen.
The partner who wants to stay may experience every conversation as an attempt to persuade the other person not to leave.
Discernment Counselling creates space for a different conversation.
Before trying to repair the relationship, we first ask:
What has brought your marriage to this point — and what are you each prepared to do about it?
Who Discernment Counselling Is For
Discernment Counselling may be appropriate when one partner is seriously considering separation or divorce while the other wants to preserve the relationship.
In addition, you might also relate to one or more of these situations:
- You feel stuck between staying and leaving and do not want to make an irreversible decision too quickly
- There has been an affair, betrayal, emotional distance or a significant loss of connection
- Previous attempts to talk about the relationship have become circular, painful or dominated by persuasion
- One of you is willing to consider couples therapy but is not yet ready to commit to it
- You want to understand whether meaningful change is realistically possible before deciding what to do
- You want to understand how your marriage reached this point, rather than reducing the problem entirely to the failures of one person
- You want to make whatever decision comes next as thoughtfully and consciously as possible
You don’t have to know exactly what you want before you start.
This process is here to help you with that uncertainty.
This Is Not Couples Therapy
Discernment Counselling is not a shorter version of couples counselling.
During this process, I am not asking you to repair your relationship.
Instead, we are trying to understand it. The purpose is to gain clarity about whether there is enough shared commitment to begin couples therapy, or what the next step may be.
We look at what has happened between you, what has contributed to the current crisis and what would genuinely need to change for the relationship to have a different future.
An important part of this is beginning to understand each person’s contribution to the relationship you have created together.
This is not about allocating equal blame or suggesting that both partners are responsible for every difficulty.
It is about moving beyond a simple account in which the future of the marriage depends entirely upon the other person changing.
Greater clarity often comes when each partner can see both what has happened to them and how they themselves have participated in the relationship’s patterns.
Three Possible Directions
The purpose of Discernment Counselling is to help you reach greater clarity about one of three possible paths.
Remain as you are for now
You may decide that you are not ready to make a significant change to the relationship at this point.
Move towards separation or divorce
You may conclude that ending the relationship is the right direction.
Where that happens, the work you have done to understand the marriage can still matter.
It can help you develop a more thoughtful account of what happened, reduce the need to make one person the villain, and — particularly where children are involved — begin to create a less blaming narrative about why the marriage ended.
Commit to couples therapy
You may decide that there is enough willingness on both sides to make a genuine attempt to repair and transform the relationship.
If so, you move into couples therapy with a different starting point: not simply hoping things will improve, but with greater understanding of what needs to change and what each of you will need to bring to that work.
What to Expect
Discernment Counselling is intentionally brief and structured, lasting for up to five sessions.
You do not have to complete all five. If you reach sufficient clarity earlier, the process can end.
The work includes time together and time individually so that both partners can speak openly without the process becoming an attempt to persuade one another.
Before We Begin
I meet with each partner individually for an assessment before beginning the joint Discernment Counselling process.
This allows me to understand each person’s perspective and assess whether Discernment Counselling is an appropriate starting point.
First Discernment Session — 120 minutes
We explore what has brought your relationship to this point, how each of you currently understands the marriage and the different directions available to you.
Subsequent Sessions — 90 minutes
Each session allows us to go deeper into what has happened, each person’s contribution to the relationship, what meaningful change would require and whether there is sufficient willingness to undertake it.
The intention is not to keep you in counselling indefinitely.
It is to help you reach a point at which you can make a more informed decision about what happens next.
When Discernment Counselling Is Not the Right Starting Point
You are both committed to staying together and want to improve the relationship
Couples counselling may be more appropriate.
You are both unhappy but equally unsure what you want. Couples counselling or an Intensive may provide a better space to explore the relationship.
If your partner is unwilling to participate and you need to explore your relationship and your own decision individually, my 1:1 Coaching Programme, The Sacred Crossroads, may be a more appropriate route.
Discernment Counselling may also be unsuitable where one partner has made a final decision to leave and has no genuine willingness to reconsider, or where there are current concerns about safety, abuse or coercive control that require a different form of support.
Fees
Discernment Counselling is a specialist consultation process of up to five sessions.
Individual assessment sessions — £150 per person
Initial 120-minute Discernment session — £550
Subsequent 90-minute sessions — £425
Online and In-Person Discernment Counselling
Sessions are available:
Online — for couples across the UK
In person — Pimlico, London
Where appropriate, partners may join online from different locations.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do we have to complete all five sessions?
No. Five sessions are the maximum, rather than a programme you are required to complete.
Some couples reach sufficient clarity sooner.
What if I want to save the marriage but my partner wants to leave?
This is precisely the situation Discernment Counselling is designed to address.
The aim is not to persuade the partner who is considering leaving to stay, nor to ask the partner who wants the marriage to end to accept that decision without exploration.
Both positions are given space.
Will you tell us whether we should stay together?
No.
My role is to help you understand your relationship, your respective positions and the choices available to you more clearly — not to make the decision for you.
What happens if we decide to work on the marriage?
If you both decide to make a genuine commitment to working on the relationship, couples counselling may become the appropriate next step.
We can discuss whether continuing that work with me is clinically appropriate or whether a referral would be preferable.
What if we decide to separate?
Discernment Counselling has not failed if separation is the decision you reach.
A considered decision to end a relationship with greater understanding of what happened can be a meaningful outcome of the process.
The insight developed through the work may also help you navigate what comes next with greater awareness, particularly if you will continue to have a relationship with one another as co-parents.
Can I enquire without my partner?
Yes. Either partner can make the initial enquiry.
However, Discernment Counselling itself is a couples process and ultimately requires the participation of both partners.
If your partner is unwilling to participate, we can consider whether another form of support would be more appropriate.
Begin With a Discernment Assessment
If your marriage is at a crossroads and one of you is questioning whether to stay while the other still hopes to repair the relationship, the first step is an individual assessment with each partner.
This allows me to understand your different perspectives and establish whether Discernment Counselling is the appropriate process for you.
