What To Expect When You Have Couples Counselling

Couples counselling isn’t complicated, but it can feel difficult. 

But how does couples counselling work?

It’s a specific form of talking therapy where two people sit with a counsellor to discuss their relationship.

The world seemed surprised when Michelle Obama shared that she and Barack had couples counselling. Surely this couple didn’t have relationship problems!

But they are just two people, the same as you and me, working out how to be in love and stay in love. So, if you’re considering couples counselling, you’re in good company.

Why Couples Need Couples Therapy

When a couple comes to therapy, it indicates that they are seeking to end something that is no longer working for them.

That doesn’t mean the relationship will end. More likely, it’s a symbolic death of what the relationship has been, which opens the way to a new beginning and a fresh start. 

It’s almost inescapable to avoid disappointment when you realise your relationship isn’t as good or working as well as you wanted. During the earlier romantic phase of a relationship, there’s a tendency to put the relationship and your partner on a pedestal.

Letting go of what you have idolised and hoped for hurts. When that hurt is left to grow, it creates a wound and more often than not, it leads to conflict.

And that’s when couples show up in the therapy room.

The core of couples counselling is to help couples face the painful and often bitter reality of this change and to see the opportunity for growth. 

Understanding Unconscious Dynamics In Your Relationship

Couples counselling, then, is an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, your partner, and your relationship. This awareness, in turn, deepens trust and intimacy. 

Everyone enters a relationship carrying the unconscious patterns and beliefs they’ve internalised from childhood. As a result, our relationships reactivate old wounds from our past.

Although we might not realise or want to admit it, we enter a relationship seeking the perfect parent to fit our unmet needs. Couples counselling examines how past influences affect your intimate relationships and helps you and your partner recognise and take responsibility for your projections and transference. 

Projection

Projection is when we hand over and refuse to acknowledge the parts of us we don’t like. Instead, we make those qualities about the other person. For example, you suppress your anger but find yourself in relationships with partners who are either passive-aggressive or overtly angry. 

Transference

Transference is different because we make our partner into another significant person, such as a parent. So, say you craved being protected and cared for by a parent as a child. As an adult, you may substitute, choose and expect your partner to do that.

You find yourself frustrated with their lack of care when you are ill, not helping with the children or when you’ve had a bad day at work. On the other hand, if you were frequently criticised as a child, you will likely be highly sensitive to your partner’s feedback. Of course, you want a supportive partner, but what’s happening under the surface? 

Self-Awareness Improves Relationships

Awareness is the most significant gateway to transforming your relationship.

Self-awareness means you know what you want, need and desire and can ask for it. Awareness of your partner means respecting their needs, wants and desires.

It also means being honest about how and when we cause hurt.

You take responsibility for your life without needing someone to do that.

Paradoxically, that is what shifts the dial in a relationship. It paves the way for what most couples want: improving communication, clarity about what you would like to be different and commitment to the changes needed to create the relationship you want.

Once we are aware, we need to take action. So what does that look like?

 

Relationship Skills For Couples To Deepen Intimacy

Goal setting isn’t just for the workplace. Setting goals and communication are two of the three principal skills you learn in couples therapy.

1. Creating a vision for yourself and your relationship.

Couples counselling enables individuals to set goals and create a plan for change.

Firstly, there is the vision for the relationship, which helps you see its potential and something to work towards.

Then you focus on each individual’s commitment to change something that will lead to creating the relationship they want to experience.

This isn’t agreeing to wash the dishes or changing your personality. Instead, it’s about recognising what stops you from showing up the way you want.

For example, suppose you avoid conflict because it causes anxiety. What self-regulating techniques would you need to learn to have a challenging conversation, not brush things under the carpet and set boundaries?

2. Talking and listening.

Learning how to communicate well is essential for couples. Couples counselling is the ideal place to learn and practice.

To communicate intimately, you must know yourself well enough to articulate what you want and need, make requests, and express your feelings. You also need to allow your partner to do the same.

Listening with empathy when you hear something challenging is hard, but necessary. In couples counselling, you will learn how to stay present in these moments and continue listening, thereby deepening your connection.

Working with the Developmental Model, couples learn to share intimately and make breakthroughs.

3. Interdependence.

You are two separate individuals co-creating a relationship. A sign of a healthy relationship is one where each partner takes responsibility for their life and can moderately fulfil their own needs without being overly reliant on their partner.

At the same time, each person knows that their partner is there to meet their physical and emotional needs in a way that is both appropriate and meaningful. Interdependence is the goal of a deeply committed relationship.

This Couple’s Therapy Isn’t Working.

Everything is information about your relationship in couples counselling. It’s not just about what you say.

Sometimes, however, you feel the therapy isn’t working. However, what’s actually happening is that it’s mirroring back to you the way your relationship is functioning on a day-to-day basis, and your goals are not aligned. 

Having said that, there are some times when couples counselling isn’t appropriate.

1. Couples Counselling For Domestic Violence

You might think this is the perfect time to come to therapy because it will help you work out your issues and reduce or prevent further incidents.  

Sadly, this isn’t the case. 

One of the critical components of any counselling, whether it be for individual or couples counselling, is safety. If your relationship is abusive outside of the therapy room, it will be abusive in it.

That means the abused partner mightn’t speak up for fear of what the abusive partner might do when they get home. Alternatively, something is said that has implications beyond the therapist’s sight.

The couple may discuss and agree on what topics will be addressed in the session before they arrive for therapy, meaning the sessions are controlled.

What can also happen is that the abused partner wants the therapist to guess what is not being said, which the therapist may or may not do if there is covert abuse. This all means that the therapy isn’t safe.  

If there is domestic violence in the relationship, the best thing to do is contact a domestic abuse agency such as Refuge and get specialist support for yourself. Initially, that might involve individual counselling. I would suggest doing that first, as your safety is the priority.

2. When Couples Keep Secrets In Counselling

Couples counselling involves the therapist seeing and understanding how a couple operates in their day-to-day world. That’s how couples counselling works.  A client being dishonest in their life will tend to bring that into the therapy room.

In her book Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman writes about the ‘fundamental rule of truth-telling.’ (1)

Truth-telling forms the basis of a solid collaborative relationship with the therapist. Secrets and lies get in the way of healing.

When truth-telling is hard, shame, trauma, fear, and vulnerability are usually in the background. To avoid that, one or both individuals may terminate the therapy sessions early and refuse to continue. This withdrawal may well replicate what happens at home when conflict arises. 

Sometimes, a client might lie by behaving very differently in a session than they do at home, controlling what is said in the session, or avoiding answering questions directly by deflecting. 

For couples counselling to help you identify and unravel your feelings and see the related issues more clearly, honesty is crucial. Without the truth, it is impossible to do this.

3. When You Want To Be The Therapist

Typically, one partner feels that the problem belongs to the other. ‘You’re the reason why the relationship isn’t working.’ When you blame, you might want to take the opportunity to practice your therapy skills. Now there are two therapists in the room! 

Couples counselling is about exploring the wounds from the past and how these have shaped you and, therefore, your relationship. We all have wounds. In a relationship, both parties —your partner and you —bring something to the table. Sometimes you can pull the wool over your eyes, not wanting to acknowledge your part. 

Couples counselling isn’t about getting one half of the couple to do the work, while the other watches and hopes everything will be alright. It won’t. That gives control to one person in the relationship because their actions now control the relationship’s fate. It also means that the opportunity for growth in the relationship is missed. 

Is Couples Counselling Effective?

Yes, it is. 

A growing number of studies have demonstrated the effectiveness of couples therapy.  The average person receiving couples therapy is better off at the end of the sessions than 70%–80% of couples who did not start. (2)

Getting help when needed is crucial for a healthy relationship. Couples counselling isn’t complicated, but it is challenging. It takes time, patience and commitment. 

When couples align on the outcome they want to create, the success rate for couples counselling is high.

A couples’ therapist isn’t there to make you stay together or tell you what to do. If you are considering whether to stay or leave, new awareness about yourself and the relationship will enable you to make more informed choices. And when you are willing to do the work, committed to each other and to doing something differently, couples therapy creates a safe space to address underlying issues, start productive conversations and strengthen your bond.

Starting therapy is courageous and a bold step. 

You might also be thinking, How does couples counselling work if nothing is wrong? Is it necessary? Most couples will benefit because many of us have not been taught the tools to create happy long-term relationships. My question would be, why wait?

Over to You

Don’t be afraid to seek couples therapy if you need it – there’s no shame in seeking help when needed. Talking things through in a space such as couples counselling is invaluable.

If you’re stuck and want to know how to fix your struggling relationship, get in touch for a clarity session. I can help.

P.S. PASS IT ON

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© Sandra Harewood 2023

About Sandra Harewood

Sandra Harewood is a registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, Couples Counsellor and Jungian Coach. Sandra is a specialist in working with women and couples facing crisis or at a crossroads in their marriage. Over the last 15+ years, Sandra has helped 100’s of women and couples transform their lives and relationships. She has a private counselling and life-coaching practice in Pimlico and Bromley, South London. Sandra is passionate about helping couples create conscious relationships and put the soul back into their lives.

(1) Herman, J, Trauma and Recovery – The Aftermath of Violence From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror, 1997 Basic Books

(2) Lebow,  J, Snyder, D.K. Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments, 2022, Wiley Online Library