Divorce Ambivalence: What If You’re Not Sure About Divorce?

We can often assume that once someone files for divorce, the decision is already made.

Family and friends may begin helping the couple prepare for life apart. Professionals often shift their focus towards helping people navigate the legal and emotional process of separation.

Yet research suggests that the reality is often much more complex.

For many people, the decision to divorce remains deeply uncertain, even after the legal process has begun.

This uncertainty is known as divorce ambivalence, and it is far more common than many people realise.

Divorce Ambivalence Is More Common Than We Think

One of the first large studies exploring reconciliation during the divorce process was conducted by Doherty, Peterson and Willoughby (2011), who surveyed 2,484 divorcing parents.

Their findings challenged many assumptions.

Approximately one in four parents believed their marriage could still be saved, while almost one in three expressed an interest in reconciliation services.

A second study by Hawkins, Willoughby and Doherty (2012) produced remarkably similar findings: 26% believed their marriage could still be saved, and 33% expressed interest in help exploring reconciliation.

More recently, Doherty, Harris and Wickel Didericksen (2016) studied 624 parents who had already filed for divorce.

Around two-thirds reported being certain they wanted the divorce. Approximately one-quarter were ambivalent, while around 8% did not want the divorce. Those experiencing uncertainty also showed greater interest in reconciliation services.

Looking Back After Divorce

Research has also explored how people feel after their marriage has ended.

Several surveys have found that around half of divorced individuals later wished they had worked harder to overcome their marital difficulties and avoid divorce (see Hawkins & Fackrell, 2009, for a summary).

Hetherington and Kelly (2002) reported that within 75% of divorced couples, at least one partner experienced regret about the decision to divorce one year after the separation.

A qualitative study by Knox and Corte (2007) also found considerable rethinking among people who were currently separated. The researchers suggested that going through the process of separation itself appeared to lead some participants to re-evaluate their decision, to the extent that they would encourage others considering separation or divorce to think again and explore the possibility of reconciliation.

Why This Research Matters

None of this research suggests that every marriage should be saved or that divorce is the wrong decision.

But it highlights something often overlooked.

Many people begin the divorce process while still carrying significant uncertainty.

That uncertainty can feel confusing, particularly when one partner feels ready to leave while the other hopes the relationship can still be repaired.

In these situations, couples often find themselves caught between two very different agendas. One person is leaning out of the marriage, while the other is leaning in.

Helping couples navigate this unique situation is precisely the purpose of Discernment Counselling.

Discernment Counselling: When One Partner Is Leaning Out

Discernment Counselling is not traditional couples counselling.

It is a brief, structured approach designed specifically for couples where one partner is considering ending the marriage while the other wishes to preserve it.

Rather than trying to persuade either person towards a particular outcome, Discernment Counselling creates space to slow the process down long enough for greater clarity to emerge. 

Together, the couple explores three possible pathways:

• Continue towards divorce or separation.
• Commit to an agreed period of couples therapy with both partners fully engaged in working on the relationship.
• Maintain the current status while gathering further clarity before making a final decision.

The goal is not to save every marriage.

Nor is it to help couples separate more quickly.

Its purpose is to help both partners move beyond chronic uncertainty and reach a decision that feels thoughtful, intentional and fully considered.

Looking honestly at what has happened in a relationship can require both partners to tolerate difficult emotions and some vulnerability.

Taking Time Before a Life-Changing Decision

Ending a marriage is one of the most significant decisions many people will ever make.

Research reminds us that uncertainty during this process is normal.

If you or your partner remain uncertain about the future of your relationship, particularly if one of you is leaning towards leaving while the other hopes to stay, it may be helpful to seek support before making a final decision.

Discernment Counselling offers a structured process to help couples understand where they are, explore what brought them to this point, and give them the confidence and clarity to decide whether the next chapter of their relationship involves working toward repair or moving toward separation with greater clarity.

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© Sandra Harewood 2026

 

Doherty, W.J., Willoughby, B.J. & Peterson, B. (2011). Interest in marital reconciliation among divorcing parents. Family Court Review, 49(2), 313–321. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1744-1617.2011.01373.x

Hawkins, A.J., Willoughby, B.J. & Doherty, W.J. (2012). Reasons for Divorce and Openness to Marital Reconciliation. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 53(6), 453–463. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2012.682898

Doherty, W.J., Harris, S.M. & Wickel Didericksen, K. (2016). A Typology of Attitudes Toward Proceeding with Divorce Among Parents in the Divorce Process. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 57(1), 1–11. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2015.1092350

Hetherington, E.M. & Kelly, J. (2002). For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.

Knox, D., & Corte, U. (2007). Work It Out/See a Counselor: Advice from Spouses in the Separation Process. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 48(1–2), 79–90. https://doi.org/10.1300/J087v48n01_04

About Sandra Harewood

Sandra Harewood is a registered Transpersonal Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, Couples Counsellor and Jungian Coach. Sandra specialises in working with women and couples facing crisis or at a crossroads in their marriage. Over the last 15+ years, Sandra has helped 100s of women and couples transform their lives and relationships. She offers online private counselling and life coaching, as well as in-person sessions in Pimlico, South London. Sandra is passionate about helping couples create conscious relationships and put the soul back into their lives.