Uncertainty in Relationships: What Advent Tells Us About Waiting

Advent is a season of anticipation, preparation and waiting.

I can remember as a child, looking forward to receiving an Advent calendar filled with those delicious hidden pieces of chocolate.

In many homes, that’s what Advent is about, the excitement of counting down to Christmas via these small doors, opened one at a time until the big day arrives.

Children might question this process, but they accept that each day has its own portion, and they wait for the next one with a kind of uncomplicated trust.

Adults are far less comfortable with this waiting.

Why Waiting Feels So Uncomfortable in Relationships

In our intimate relationships, when something feels off and out of alignment, most people want clarity and solutions immediately. This is the discomfort of uncertainty in relationships, when we don’t yet know whether a moment of struggle will lead to repair, change, or separation.

They are often in a hurry, wanting to know whether things will improve, whether the other person cares enough to try, whether staying makes sense, or whether leaving is the only path forward.

The idea of sitting with what we know, without acting on it yet, can feel intolerable. That moment of not knowing might last a minute, days, or even years.

Waiting can bring anxiety. It highlights the parts of us that are uncertain or afraid, and for many individuals, particularly those who have learned to cope through competence and action, waiting can feel like doing nothing.

But uncertainty in relationships is rarely nothing; it is often the first sign that something meaningful is shifting beneath the surface.

Waiting as a Response to Uncertainty in Relationships

In reality, navigating this liminal space is often a critical phase in any genuine change.

Jungian analyst Murray Stein speaks of midlife as a liminal passage: a time when we have outgrown an old version of ourselves, yet cannot quite step into the next. It is uncomfortable precisely because it is unfinished and uncertain.

Liminality is entered through this particular door, through an internal experience of loss and burial of a former sense of self.

— Murray Stein

The value of the liminal space is not in getting somewhere faster, after all, but in honouring the unknown as something sacred; a threshold.

Stein reminds us that transformation often begins with loss, and in our relationships, we might feel that things are falling apart.

But this inner work of waiting can be the first movement toward truth and something with the potential to be more expansive.

It may be a moment when we are painfully aware that our relationship no longer works as it once did, yet we cannot see the next form because it hasn’t taken shape. Something feels difficult and incomplete.

What feels like uncertainty in a relationship may actually be a threshold, calling for deeper inner reflection before taking any external steps.

Two Common Responses to Relationship Uncertainty

In these moments of emotional discomfort in their relationship, the mind can leap into one of two directions:

• Solve it quickly (have the difficult conversation, push for change, demand clarity), or
• Suppress it (minimise it, tell yourself it’s not so bad, focus on the day-to-day tasks and responsibilities).

Both responses share the same foundation: to escape the uncertainty in relationships.

Consciously resting in the liminal space before taking action can feel threatening.

Taking Ourselves Seriously

As beloved adults, most of us don’t lack intelligence or insight.

What is often lacking is permission to take our inner experience seriously.

So, many people treat their emotional discomfort as a problem to manage, rather than a soul signal to listen to.

But there is wisdom in waiting and creating space for listening.

Reactive Action vs Meaningful Preparation

When we act prematurely, it tends to be reactive, driven by anxiety, guilt, frustration, panic, emotional numbness, or old stories.

Reactive and impulsive change rarely brings the lasting momentum we are looking for. Rather, it reinforces the same cycles, because nothing at the level of deeper meaning has shifted.

When we try to escape uncertainty in relationships too quickly, we often end up repeating the same old patterns.

Preparation is the stage where meaning begins to come into focus: What hurts? What do I need? What is no longer tolerable? What have I been avoiding? How am I showing up? What is my role in all of this?

Until a person can answer these questions, and there are more, with honesty, not drama, not panic, or ego fragility, any external change is unstable.

An inner clarity begins to stabilise the nervous and relational systems. It soothes the impulse to fix or flee. It allows a person to engage with their partner from a grounded place, with less defensiveness.

Sitting With Uncertainty Without Rushing Decisions

When thinking about next steps in a marriage, we can discern what needs our immediate attention.

Pressuring yourself to act too quickly can shut down the process of transformation and, with it, the possibility of a richer, more soulful relationship.

In those moments of tension, you can say internally what feels true without acting on it:

Something is not working here.
I’m not as connected as I want to be.
I feel alone even when I’m not physically alone.
I need something different.

These recognitions don’t have to be followed by a plan. They can be held tenderly and examined. They are openings, not ultimatums.

Learning to sit with relationship uncertainty is not avoidance; it is the foundation of conscious decision-making.

For many women, especially those who over-function, who take on responsibility because someone has to, the deeper work is not about acting faster; it’s about slowing down.

That’s not abandoning yourself. Preparation for a new life means allowing the truth and what is to exist without rushing to control it.

How Advent Helps Us Understand Relationship Uncertainty

It might be this: Not everything reveals itself at once. Some things ask to be lived with, observed, and understood before they lead to action and fulfilment.

You don’t have to know the ending to recognise the beginning.

Over to You

If you find yourself in this in-between space, caught between knowing and not yet acting, you’re not alone.

Many people discover that having a regular, confidential place to think and feel can make this stage less overwhelming and more meaningful. Support with counselling doesn’t offer answers; it helps you hear your own.

Book a complimentary consultation, and let’s begin the conversation.

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© Sandra Harewood 2025

 

Reference:

Stein, M. (2003). In midlife: A Jungian perspective. Spring Publications.

About Sandra Harewood

Sandra Harewood is a registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, Couples Counsellor and Jungian Coach. Sandra is a specialist in working with women and couples facing crisis or at a crossroads in their marriage. Over the last 15+ years, Sandra has helped 100’s of women and couples transform their lives and relationships. She has a private counselling and life-coaching practice in Pimlico and Bromley, South London. Sandra is passionate about helping couples create conscious relationships and put the soul back into their lives.