Why Depth Psychotherapy Matters in Our Relationships

Even if you can see the benefit of couples therapy, few couples consider depth psychotherapy as part of their relational journey.

There is often a belief that long-term psychotherapy is for individual work. Or that couples therapy is not the place to talk about individual stories and will not cause substantial change.

Notwithstanding that, our collective obsession with instant gratification makes truly deep and meaningful psychotherapy, capable of lasting change, less of a go-to source of support.

This makes it even more essential to acknowledge the importance of psychotherapy in our relationships for uncovering deeper connections.

In the video below, psychologist and psychoanalytic therapist Jonathan Shedler speaks to this with extraordinary clarity.

Although he is describing individual therapy, the principles he outlines are the same foundations of meaningful couples therapy. In fact, if you listen closely, you can hear why couples’ therapy requires the same depth, spaciousness, and curiosity as any individual psychotherapy process.

The difference is that the relationship becomes the client.

By valuing depth, psychotherapy matters in our relationships, enriching our emotional landscapes.

When Therapy Becomes Procedure Instead of Discovery

Of course, we want to experience change and to manage our symptoms when we start any therapy or counselling. It’s not different for couples when there is a build-up of resentment, confusion and frustration they want to ease.

Then we might want therapy to be outcome-focused, emphasising techniques, quick fixes, and symptom reduction, rather than a process of genuine discovery of the relationship, who we are as individuals, why we are having our particular struggles, and long-standing emotional patterns.

Meaningful therapy asks something different of us. When someone experiences anxiety, depression, conflict, or challenges in their relationship, these signs point to deeper issues waiting to be uncovered and healed, further illustrating how psychotherapy matters in our relationships.

Meaningful Therapy Is Not an Instruction Manual

Effective therapy is not a one-size-fits-all instruction manual.

Knowing the problem in advance and applying steps isn’t it. It is unfolding. Peeling back the layers of an onion or untangling a ball of yarn.

It invites us to listen not just to the stories told, but to the emotions underneath them, the patterns that repeat and the nuanced ways we build walls to protect ourselves. Part of the work is understanding why these walls appear and what they protect.

We Are Shaped in Relationship

I also appreciate that Shedler reminds us that people develop within relationships. Our early attachments, losses, longings, and unspoken hopes all live within us and inevitably manifest in our relationships.

Every one of our psychological struggles has a relational element. And every relational struggle has an emotional history behind it. This is as true for a couple I see as it is for an individual in therapy. Understanding this context, we realise how much psychotherapy matters in our relationships.

Why This Work Takes Time

When we approach therapy in this way, it becomes a lived experience rather than just a set of tools.

It requires time, not because people aren’t trying hard enough, but because we are human. We must be courageous to uncover hidden things, break repetitive patterns, and risk a new way of relating.

I share Jonathan Shedler’s video below because it shows why depth matters in psychotherapy. We cannot rush meaningful work, whether with individuals or couples.

The most profound changes happen not through technique, but through understanding, connection, and the willingness to engage fully with what is true.

Core Principles of Depth Psychotherapy

Here are a few of the key ideas he touches on, ideas that sit at the heart of meaningful psychotherapy and, by extension, meaningful couples work. In my integrative psychosynthesis practice, these points reflect what real therapeutic change requires: depth, curiosity, and awareness of the emotional and relational patterns that shape us.

• Symptoms are the psychological equivalent of a fever, signals that something deeper needs attention, not the problem itself.
• Therapy is an emotional, lived experience, not an intellectual lesson or a set of techniques to be memorised.
• We avoid what is painful, often through defences or ‘wall-building,’ and part of the work is understanding why those protections appear.
• We repeat relational themes and patterns, sometimes without realising it, and these recurrences become crucial to the therapeutic process.
• Present struggles only make sense in context, including the relational and emotional history that led to this moment.
• Relationships shape us, and every psychological difficulty includes a relational component, whether it plays out in relationships or stands in the way of them.

Although Shedler is speaking specifically about psychoanalytic psychotherapy, the principles he outlines reflect the wider foundations of depth-oriented work, including integrative psychosynthesis. This highlights the importance of understanding how psychotherapy matters in our relationships.

 

Over to You

If you’re standing at the threshold of an ending in your marriage, wondering what the next step should be, or simply wanting change you don’t have to hold it alone. I’d be honoured to walk alongside you as you explore what it means to move forward with peace and grace.

Book a complimentary consultation, and let’s begin the conversation.

 

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© Sandra Harewood 2025

About Sandra Harewood

Sandra Harewood is a registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, Couples Counsellor and Jungian Coach. Sandra is a specialist in working with women and couples facing crisis or at a crossroads in their marriage. Over the last 15+ years, Sandra has helped 100’s of women and couples transform their lives and relationships. She has a private counselling and life-coaching practice in Pimlico and Bromley, South London. Sandra is passionate about helping couples create conscious relationships and put the soul back into their lives.