Is It Sadness or Depression? Understanding Low Mood in Your Marriage
For some people, that may well be true. Life settles after Christmas and New Year celebrations. For others, this label feels too simple for their daily struggles with depressed mood. Some see it as a chance to think about mental health. For others, that Monday reminds them of life’s joys and blessings.
That one day can have many meanings, especially when viewed through the lens of relationships and how we process emotion together.
What is true is that after many years of marriage, it’s normal to feel low, disconnected, unhappy or tired at times. This isn’t always about the relationship itself, but about life’s inevitable ups and downs.
Still, it can be hard to know why you feel this way. You may question whether what you are experiencing is ordinary sadness that will pass or if your feelings have developed into depression.
And because you continue to function well enough at work and at home, it is easy to overlook when sadness is not that, but depression.
Recognising how emotions and relationships intersect—and clearly distinguishing sadness from depression is crucial for responding intentionally to emotional difficulties.
Sadness in Marriage: A Feeling That Shifts With Circumstance
Sadness is a common emotional response to grief, unhappiness, or sorrow. We all know it.
In a relationship, that experience might stem from a specific event.
We feel sad when we feel let down or betrayed, do not experience repair after a significant disagreement, feel repeatedly misunderstood, rejected, or feel invisible to our partner.
At other times, the sadness we feel is about losing an ideal or a season in the relationship. We grieve for what we thought the relationship would be or for what it once was. We want to get back to a place where this feels possible again, perhaps to feel more vital, energised and alive. The absence of that life force can feel very sad.
As a result, in relationships experiencing difficulty, sadness may linger in the background, especially when at a relationship crossroads and asking, ‘Should I stay or should I leave?‘
Acknowledging and being present with the sadness is important. Doing that allows the sadness to move through us without feeling like it is becoming part of us.
The Importance of Self-Care
Because sadness is generally a feeling that passes through, although it can feel draining, it often eases when cared for.
This care could be rest, connection, a conversation, laughter, gratitude, compassion, solitude, or sometimes time.
Simple self-care actions, such as taking a short walk in nature, practising mindfulness through journaling, or setting aside time for a favourite hobby, can also help alleviate sadness.
Incorporating these small, doable steps into your routine may offer comfort and aid in the emotional process.
Depression in Marriage: When Low Mood Becomes More Global
While sadness is connected to depression, it is essential to recognise that depression is broader and more persistent than ordinary sadness.
People experience depression in many different ways, but perhaps the most prominent feature is a low or sad mood, which is why you might wonder whether you are sad or depressed.
Depression changes how the self is experienced, not who the self is, i.e., who you are at your core.
The psychological symptoms of depression include a continuous low mood or sadness.
Other signs of depression include lethargy, trouble sleeping or early wakening, and feeling constantly tired. You may also have pessimistic or negative thoughts, difficulty thinking straight or making decisions, changes in appetite, and loss of interest. [1]
There are different types of depressive reactions. These range from mild fluctuations in mood to severe clinical depression. At the severe end, people experience more marked physical symptoms.
In contrast to sadness, depression affects mood, energy, concentration, and desire in a pervasive and ongoing way. And while sadness is usually tied to a single event or circumstance, depression feels more global and persistent, making it more difficult to resolve.
What Causes Depression?
For most people, a depressive reaction is triggered by difficult life events, including trauma.
People with a family history of depression are more likely to experience it themselves. At other times, depression appears for no obvious reason or may also be related to biochemical changes in the brain.
Psychotherapists often link the unexpressed emotion of anger with depression.
In his book Vinegar Into Honey, therapist Ron Leifer, MD, says:
Anger often lies beneath depression. The main features of depression are feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Depression is anger without hope and therefore without passion. When people feel helpless, they are likely to experience anxiety and anger. When they also feel hopeless they feel depressed. – Ron Leifer, MD
Our emotions find outlets or ways to catch up with us when not appropriately expressed. The only way to navigate an emotion is to feel it and allow it to move through us.
How Depression Can Shape Our Relationships
According to Leifer and Jungian psychotherapist David Richo, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, anger, hate, rage or resentment in and about our relationship might be the cause of our depression.
This doesn’t only affect how we feel, but in a relationship, depression changes how we relate.
Passive anger is inappropriate and not an adult way of behaving. Strongly expressed anger is called rage. Strongly held anger is called hate. Unexpressed anger is resentment. Anger can be unconsciously repressed and internalised. It then becomes depression, i.e. anger turned inward. – David Richo
We might withdraw from our partner or lose interest in spending time together or in sexual intimacy. We may feel distant even during ordinary interactions. Activities and hobbies that once helped, such as running, reading, or maintaining friendships, may no longer make much difference.
You might feel more irritable or quicker to anger, making already difficult conversations even more so.
At times, we might project our feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, and our low self-esteem, onto our partner, or find it difficult to participate in making decisions about the relationship.
10 Questions to Know If You Are Depressed, Not Sad
If you feel you might be depressed as opposed to sad, it’s important to seek support from your GP or a qualified mental health practitioner, e.g., psychotherapist or counsellor.
Here are some questions to help you think about your mood. Over the past 4 weeks:
- What is the main emotion you have felt recently? What colour would you give your mood?
- How much interest, curiosity, or motivation do you still feel for things that once gave you pleasure?
- How much has how you feel interfered with your work, family life, or relationships
- How easily do irritation or anger show up for you? What do you notice they are usually in response to, and does it feel out of the blue?
- What are your physical symptoms?
- Have you noticed any changes in your sleep, appetite, or energy? If so, what?
- How often have you felt worthless or bad about yourself, or felt like a failure, or let yourself/family down?
- What is your relationship with worry? How much space does it take up in your mind?
- How alone do you feel with what you are carrying?
These questions aren’t about diagnosing yourself. But they help shed some light on your emotional landscape, enabling greater awareness and support.
Over to You
Distinguishing sadness from depression is key to responding intentionally, not just for yourself but within the context of your relationships.
While sadness is often a response to something that has happened, depression can be a response to something that has not been lived or expressed. In that regard, from a transpersonal perspective, depression has meaning.
If you find yourself at a relationship crossroads as the year begins, uncertain about your next steps, you are not alone.
Many people find that having a calm, confidential place to think things through makes this stage less overwhelming and more meaningful. The aim isn’t to rush towards an answer, but to listen more carefully to what is being asked of you.
If it would be helpful to talk things through, you’re welcome to arrange an initial consultation to explore your relationship crossroads. This offers a focused space to explore what’s happening and to consider what kind of support, if any, would be most appropriate at this stage.
P.S. Pass It On
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© Sandra Harewood 2026
References:
[1] https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/depression/
Leifer, R. (2008). Vinegar into Honey: Seven Steps to Understanding and Transforming Anger, Aggression, and Violence. 14 May.
Richo, D. (1991). How to Be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration. Paulist Press.
About Sandra Harewood
Sandra Harewood is a registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, Couples Counsellor and Jungian Coach. Sandra is a specialist in working with women and couples facing crisis or at a crossroads in their marriage. Over the last 15+ years, Sandra has helped 100’s of women and couples transform their lives and relationships. She has a private counselling and life-coaching practice in Pimlico and Bromley, South London. Sandra is passionate about helping couples create conscious relationships and put the soul back into their lives.
