The Surprising Ways You Hide Your Anger
I don’t think anyone likes to be angry.
I’d hazard a guess and say that most people are scared of anger, whether it’s being angry or facing someone else’s angry emotions and actions.
They don’t like it.
One reason is that anger makes you feel vulnerable. At other times, it evokes feelings of guilt and shame, impacting your sense of self and self-esteem.
And sometimes, anger can feel dangerous. That’s because sometimes how it’s expressed can be.
Violence and aggression are destructive forces unless transformed into nonviolence through insight, responsibility and choice.
For many women, expressing anger is challenging. When women are seen as relational and caregivers, anger somehow doesn’t fit. A woman showing her anger is often seen as cold, unattractive, hard or bitchy.
Anger doesn’t have to be violent to feel pain.
At this time of COVID-19, there is an undercurrent of anger and frustration that sits alongside the anxiety and uncertainty.
I have noticed an increase in enquiries to my counselling practice. Usually, there is always a rise in people seeking relationship support after Christmas, when spending unusually long periods together brings tensions between couples to the surface. Calls to the couples counselling charity Relate increase by 59% over Christmas, and the average family has its first argument at 9.58 am on Christmas Day morning.
COVID-19 is bringing its challenges.
I’m Not Angry But….
Anger is a human emotion which fits alongside sadness, happiness, disgust, surprise and fear.
But perhaps because of its potentially destructive qualities, anger seems to be the emotion we humans struggle with the most. I hear clients say: ‘I’m not angry, I’m irritated.’, ‘I’m not angry. I’m just annoyed.’ ‘I’m not angry with my husband, I’m just frustrated with him.‘ or ‘I am unhappy with him.‘
These are all just different ways to express varying degrees of anger.
Anger ranges from mild irritation to rage. Upset, nuisance, annoyance, feeling peeved, dissatisfied or frustrated are all on the anger inventory list. It would seem ‘I AM ANGRY!’ is the most challenging word to say.
To feel anger is to experience being human. The problem is not the emotion, but what you do with the anger.
Understanding Anger
Anger is a response to feeling hurt. It’s the human fight-or-flight response in action. Something feels like it’s threatening your sense of Self and happiness. It’s great that the brain is working and doing what it’s supposed to do. But:
Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.
— Eckhart Tolle
Anger is an alarm bell. All of a sudden, something needs attention. For some people, the alarm goes off quickly. An alarm is supposed to detect the intruder who has smashed through the front door. Instead, the alarm goes off when the wind is rattling the window.
Low self-esteem or a poor sense of Self may mean that your anger is evoked at times when you are trying to maintain a sense of identity, control and independence. Unresolved Childhood Emotional Neglect, wounding, or trauma may be a cause of your present-day anger.
Anger is also one of the stages of grief. If you have suffered a loss, but haven’t grieved it, it may be that the unexpressed anger appears. If the loss happened sometime in the past, you wouldn’t make sense of it as the cause of your angry outburst.
Or your stress levels build up to a level which adds to what you are angry about at the moment. So it’s not just about your partner’s untidy habits, what else is going on that you haven’t spoken up about?
Listening To The Alarm
Part of integrating your anger is becoming attuned to the internal alarm so that you can say ‘Ouch, that hurt!’ and reset.
You can do this because anger is an emotion; it’s energy moving in the body. You feel it. Maybe it’s the knot in your stomach, the pounding heart, trembling, tearfulness, the feeling of heaviness or depression. This energy needs to be processed and moved through the body.
Sorry, I’m Late. It’s The Dog’s Fault!
Because if your anger isn’t integrated and expressed, it leaks out anyway; here’s how:
- Sarcasm
- Procrastination
- Stubbornness
- Illness or stress
- Persistent lateness
- Telling double-edged jokes at your partners’ expense
- Blame
- Teasing
- Grudges; you keep bringing up old resentments
- Withdrawing, stonewalling and sulking
- Affairs
- Disordered and binge eating
- Co-dependency, people-pleasing
Anger can also contribute to health problems such as addiction, high blood pressure and depression.
Anger threatens and destroys relationships, even where there is no violence.
When you express your anger assertively, in a non-aggressive but constructive manner, you assert your needs and how you want them met without hurting anyone else.
Over To You
Do you know the ways you hide your anger? Where did you learn that trying to stop your emotions was the safest thing to do? If you want to explore your relationship with anger, get in touch and book your first counselling appointment.
Or call me today on 07535 864836.
Leave a comment below; I’d love to hear from you.
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© Sandra Harewood 2021
About Sandra Harewood
Sandra Harewood is a registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, Couples Counsellor and Jungian Coach. Sandra is a specialist in working with women and couples facing crisis or at a crossroads in their marriage. Over the last 15+ years, Sandra has helped 100’s of women and couples transform their lives and relationships. She has a private counselling and life-coaching practice in Pimlico and Bromley, South London. Sandra is passionate about helping couples create conscious relationships and put the soul back into their lives.
