What An Affair Can Tell You About Loss
An affair leaves a trail of pain, hurt and guilt in its wake. There’s no escaping that.
Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal.
Whether you stay together or not, an affair marks an ‘ending’ to the relationship.
All of a sudden, the spell of the romantic phase is well and truly broken. That’s because betrayal threatens your emotional safety. As a result, it shakes any sense of a secure attachment. The anger and hurt emotionally split you apart.
Inevitably, things won’t be the same again. How you relate to each other, communicate, how you trust each other and how intimate you are all change. Healing after a betrayal is a painful journey.
It’s Not All About Sex
And, an affair isn’t just about the physical act of sex.
A secret, intimate, emotional relationship with someone other than your partner is also a betrayal.
The energetic centres for sex involve the head and heart, not just the penis and clitoris.
I imagine in the moment of discovering their partner’s infidelity, few would say ‘this is the best thing that’s ever happened.’ And yet affairs may serve a purpose in relationships.
What An Affair Can Tell You
Esther Perel is a renowned relationship therapist. She has both an insightful and provocative view on infidelity.
In this TED talk, as well as providing insight into the purpose of affairs in a relationship, she explores why people cheat. She also explains why affairs are so traumatic.
Esther Perel sees something surprising in the pain of an affair: loss, desire and the yearning of the soul. The question then becomes how these human experiences can be attended to without the need for an affair. If you have ever loved, cheated or been cheated on, this is a must-watch TED talk.
And in any event, viewed over 8 million times, it’s simply a good watch if you want a new framework for understanding relationships.
Over To You
If an affair is bringing attention to a part of yourself that you’ve neglected, now is the time to consider whether there is space for that part in your relationship, and whether you’re willing to take up that space.
If You’re Not Ready to Decide Yet
After an affair, emotional or physical, many couples find themselves unsure whether to rebuild, step back, or bring the relationship to an end. What matters most at this stage is not making a quick decision, but making a considered one.
Discernment Counselling is one recognised, short-term approach for couples who want to understand what the affair has brought into focus and what may be possible next.
In my work, I support individuals and couples more broadly at relationship crossroads, using time-limited, contained approaches to help create clarity and steadiness before any decision is made.
If you’d like to explore what kind of support might be most appropriate for your situation, you’re welcome to get in touch for an initial conversation.
Clarity itself is part of the commitment. It allows you to make decisions that are grounded, fair, and aligned with your values, whichever direction you choose.
P.S. Pass It On
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About Sandra Harewood
Sandra Harewood is a registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor, Couples Counsellor and Jungian Coach. Sandra is a specialist in working with women and couples facing crisis or at a crossroads in their marriage. Over the last 15+ years, Sandra has helped 100’s of women and couples transform their lives and relationships. She has a private counselling and life-coaching practice in Pimlico and Bromley, South London. Sandra is passionate about helping couples create conscious relationships and put the soul back into their lives.
